I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
