the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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