She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Randomize
