I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Randomize
