I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
