I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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