Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
