grandma shit on top of the toilet
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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