i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
