There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
