Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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