people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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