I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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