You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He better not be in your backpack
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
