Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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