You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
