I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
