I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
