I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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