i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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