remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
