I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
