if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
