and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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