my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
