Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
