Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
