I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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