I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
