Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
