I cockslap morals
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
