He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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