wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
