Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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