I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
