Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
