How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
