she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
