how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
