Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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