Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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