I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
