I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
