gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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