She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
