he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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