My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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