this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
