I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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