She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
